The end is near!

So I just came across this show....Whatever, Martha! And I can't believe what I am seeing. Alexis......Martha's daughter, and some familiar looking redhead are watching clips of Martha Stewart Living and totally ripping on her! Alexis! Martha's daughter! She is publicly making horrible no good fun of her mother! And she just used the F-word! (they bleeped it out) And Martha's flesh and blood is talking about men blow drying their stuff.....down there! What is happening in this world!!!???? I mean, c'mon...I am a huge Mystery Science Theater 2 or 3000 fan. And I am absolutely in love with Martha, but this folks, is NOT sitting well with me.

You will NOT believe this!! The show just ended and these words just flashed across the screen....

Created and Produced by Martha Stewart

!!????!!!!!?????!!!!!?????

Fasting and Praying.....

.....praying and fasting. Well, at least the praying part. And maybe the fasting part if abstaining from cooked carrots and bill paying counts. Yes, folks, top priority on today's agenda is praying for the future husbands of my drama queens spirited daughters. Please people, for the love of God and all that is holy, join me in my plea for four boys who will grow up to be strong, patient, forgiving, and even hearing impaired (for their sake) men. And pray that maybe one of those guys loves to fish (you know, for Steve). And maybe pray that one of those guys will have a sister who will work at a Cath Kidston store somewhere....and that she will let me use her hefty employee discount. And pray that maybe one of those guys won't mind that his future wife never remembers to wipe. Pray. Pray!  Pray without ceasing. 

And maybe, while you're already down on your knees or laying prostrate (cuz those are really your only two options for this kind of prayer), could you maybe pray for the spirited girls' mother?

P.S. Ooooh, I have to add, as much as I like me some sugar, please folks, no Razzle Dazzle!

The thing about afternoon birthday parties

Alternate Title: If you give your kid the invitation

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they are usually smack dab in the middle of the younger kids' nap times.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they usually only last two hours......hardly enough time to drive home, throw the kids into their beds, play 22 games of facebook's Pathwords, load the dishwasher, wake the kids up, force them to go to the bathroom, get them each a piece of cheese to try to stop their "I didn't get enough sleep" sobbing, look under all the the couches, beds and numerous layers of their princess fort for that elusive mudboot, button up their raincoats, buckle them back in the car and go retrieve Addie from the party.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that you already know from past experience that there is not enough time to accomplish the previously listed tasks without shrieking at the top of your lungs in a Princess Bride-ish "Pit of Despair" torture kind of way. And so, you will probably decide to "waste" two hours in the community instead of tormenting your entire family with the dreaded "not-enough-nap". 

First, you will probably stop by the library. After dragging three kids thru the busy parking lot in the pouring rain, you will probably remember that the library is now only open 3.25 hours of the week due to city budget cuts. So, mumbling something to yourself about the acceptability of just a "wee bit" of city debt (for the sake of the children......our future......America's tomorrow), you will probably load the kids back in the car and drive them across the parking lot to that really fancy grocery store where the words "Fine Foods" loom above the new state-of-the art doors, judging your sweatshirt and unstyled hair. The smell of the in-house Caribou Coffee will probably make your mouth water as your sleepy kid who won't fit in the car cart with the other two will probably totally freak out about having to ride up front with the chicken. After probably running into your good nurse friend, whose husband is a doctor, because really, only doctors can afford to shop here, you will probably shell out 20 bucks for three strawberry frosted donuts and a couple of overpriced items for tonight's dinner. 

At this point, you will probably realize you still have 1 hour and 14 minutes left to kill. So......you will probably drive a few miles down the road to that new scrapbooking store where you have a coupon good for four FREE pieces of paper. Four!!! After sitting in the parking lot for 58 seconds while your kiddos suck the frosting off their donuts before handing  you their unwanted "bread," you will probably suddenly realize that a scrapbooking store is no place for two tired girls who have a tendency to rip everything resembling paper into teeny tiny unidentifiable specks when left unsupervised. So instead you might drive around, following garage sale signs that will most likely prove to be from last weekend. You will probably tire of driving around aimlessly the second your kids start ripping off each other's faces, and believe me, they probably have pretty easy access to each other's faces because, hey, did I mention your husband probably took all the car seats out of the car and left them out in the rain!? And so, in a last ditch effort to restore peace and order to your illegally moving vehicle, you will probably resort to......Christmas music! Luckily, you probably bought a brand new still-in-the-wrapper Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas CD for 50 cents at a garage sale last weekend. Unfortunately, the kids are probably screaming and crying much too loud to appreciate the magic of the yuletide bells jingling over the Bose speakers, so you will probably pull into the first almost empty parking lot you can find. After letting your girls unbuckle from their adult seat belts, you will probably find yourself warning the kids continuously not to step on that chicken by their feet as they flip and fly over the back seats. To top things off, your youngest daughter might decide to totally strip down to her skivvies, cuz her clothes are "ouchy." 

You now probably only have 30 minutes till pick-up time, so you might peruse your Happenings coupon book dreaming of ways to spend your upcoming anniversary, if only you could afford a babysitter. Eventually, your kids will probably tire of all the acrobatics and beg you to let them drive, because hey, they totally know how. And so, you will probably let your girlies take turns sitting on your lap, steering the car in tight circles, occasionally letting them believe that they are really and truly going to crash into that fence. Five minutes before pick-up time, a daughter just might start grabbing herself, rocking back and forth and crying about how badly she has to go, but you are probably a tough mom and tell her to hold it until you get home. And so, you will probably survive an afternoon birthday party. 

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that Addie better be having a pretty freakin good time!!!!!

The one where Julie actually follows the rules

So the hilarious Sue over at Navel Gazing at it's Finest is teaming up with some other Mormon mommy bloggers in a fundraising effort to help NieNie and her husband who were severely burned in a plane crash several weeks ago. You can read about their heartbreaking story here. They (Sue and Co.) are going to donate all profits from a book they are planning to publish, a compilation of funny stories by funny bloggers called Sometimes Life is Funny. I can't be sure, but I have a funny feeling it might be kinda funny. Anyway, they are accepting submissions for the book until the 30th of this month. If interested, you can read about the rules here. Let me warn you, these Mormon women will have you applying your waterproof mascara and sitting squishy in your protective undergarments! I, for one, plan to buy the book......and not just because it's for a good cause. Mormon-style humor has seriously tempted me to convert.

Wednesday Without Words.....how's that for original?

The more you know

The purpose of this post is twofold. First, I would like to inform my loyal readers of the dangers of using a stovetop for purposes other than those indicated in the user's manual. My cousin just posted about a close call she had this morning. Scary stuff.

Secondly, I would like to reveal the current, albeit temporary, residents of MY stovetop. For you, my loyal readers. To ensure that you start your day on a cloud of comparative housekeeping success. Unless, of course, your stovetop looks similar to mine. In which case I triple dog dare you to post a picture of it. So I can stop feeling like an overwhelmed pathetic excuse for a stay-at-home mom.                                     

1. My 25 cent vintage green colander filled with tomatoes that were picked before we left on vacation. Eeew.
2. A cheese grater that I couldn't fit back in the utensil drawer.
3. A box of Mackinac City fudge that I paid WAY too much money for. 
4. A baggy containing last night's leftover blueberry muffins.
5. A stack of plastic cups left over from Steve's fantasy football draft.
6. NINE bottles of marinade! This, folks, is what happens when I ask Steve to pick up a few ears of corn at the store on his way home from work. He thought these were too cheap to pass up. I thought I might just hang onto the receipt (also pictured here) in case I had enough spare time in my already packed days to return 9 extremely overpriced bottles of flavor infused oil. 
7. A package of heavy duty flashlights Steve won at a golf tournament. Three cheers for nighttime illumination!
8. A virtual pet game someone gave me at a garage sale cuz she didn't know if it would still work. This, people, is currently motivating Addie to clean half the house and complete her schoolwork with an unbelievably positive attitude (her idea.) Sure hope the battery works:{
9. Two....get that, TWO hair brushes! Within two feet on the pasta spoon!

Home

I am home sweet home, cuddled up in a fleece, youngest girlies playing happily by my feet with their plastic ponies and Little People.....Norah Jones, coffee and the scent of pumpkin candles wafting thru my messy yet ever so perfect HOME. Sigh. There is no place I'd rather be. Except, of course, at church, where an incredibly fascinating 3 hour meeting is about to begin. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be there, but alas, the kids mustn't miss their naps.

We finally pulled into the driveway last night around 6, concluding our vacation at a grand total of 8 days and 2 hours. All said, the vacation was a success. Now, let me clarify what I mean by "success."

• I won $60 dollars at the hotino (hotel/casino) where we stayed the first night, using only the free "teaser" money they gave us. And I walked away with it in my pocket! That, in itself, is a success of epic proportion. Perhaps now Steve will feel compelled to find me a nickname other than Shooter.
• We were able to visit Steve's grandpa in his new assisted living home in Troy, MI. As I mentioned in my update, the girls kicked some serious elderly booty in a heated balloon volleyball game. I was also quite proud of Addie who was exceptionally friendly with the residents and didn't miss a beat when one of the women from the Alzheimers unit asked her if "all those girls" were her sisters. For the 43rd time.
  
  

 As a side note, if you ever see Steve wearing this bright blue shirt shown in the above background, please do NOT compliment him! He is convinced this is a magic shirt that makes him absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex. Please don't fuel this insanity.

• While we were in the bustling city of Troy, we took advantage of all the photo opportunities and wrote a little tribute to our friend, Troy. Yes, people, we are total losers and can think of nothing better to do on our vacation than drive around taking pictures like this.
  
• I ate half of Nana's Texas sheet cake and managed to keep the week's weight gain below 12 pounds.
  
  
• I was able to store up some extra energy and patience for the weeks ahead by napping twice daily.
• Steve was preoccupied with various fantasy football drafts 4 of the 8 evenings we were gone, enabling me to start 4 different parodies for thethree22nd's contest. This time for self-discovery gave me invaluable insight into my total lack of parody writing prowess.
• The girls only got out of bed an average of 13 times per night during our stay at Nana's house. A mere increase of 94% compared to the at home average.
• We managed to pay for the trip's gas without losing our house. We only needed to take out a small home equity loan and promise Sunoco 84% of all future royalties generated by my yet to be finished parody of Gnarls Barkley's song "Crazy."......"They're driving me crazy".......(a song about a very long car ride)
• We found a cute lil restaurant in Mackinaw City that had a delish salad bar where the kids only had to pay 50 cents per year of their age. We I had a good laugh as Steve was convinced the kids could eat there for free the rest of the year after paying only 50 cents:) Tee hee!
• Nana sent us home with a jar of the world's best homemade strawberry jam. And when Steve tossed the food bag around like shake-n-bake it broke open and oozed all over the bottom of the food bag, I was able to remain blissfully unaware.....until after I had retrieved several boxes of crackers and cereal from the bag, set them on my seat, distributed the snacks to the girls in exactly fair numbers, stashed them near a pillow, and sat down. In a pile of the world's best strawberry jam. I consider this a success because luckily, I was able to reach the dirty smelly smoke-scented pants I had worn at the hotino the night before, saving me the embarrassment of exposing my slimy derriere to 74% of all attendants of gas stations containing a public toilet between Escanaba and Duluth. LOTS of potty breaks, people. LOTS of potty breaks.

The thing about shining for deer

The thing about shining for deer is that your husband probably won't convince you until 11:30 at night that you will absolutely drop dead from insane jealousy if you don't go "shining" with him.

The thing about shining for deer is that what seems to have the potential to be the only the cheapest and most romantic date of the year will most likely trigger the onset of your husband's marriage crippling case of Spotlight Micromanagement.

The thing about shining for deer is that if you've seen more than one M. Night Shyamalan movie, you may find yourself pleading and promising things to your amused husband, if only he will drive away from that corn field....wind rustling.....56 pair of deer eyes glowing....nature becoming angry at your presence....

Vacation Update

Just in case you were wondering how we are spending our vacation.......

....these are the uber competitive Sopha girls, 

DOMINATING at balloon volleyball. 

At the old folk's home. 

The thing about this Thursday

The thing about this Thursday is that it's the day before we leave on vacation.
The thing about this Thursday is that I'm too scatterbrained to focus on just one thing.
The thing about this Thursday is that I'm going to revert to my old familiar facebook ways and provide you with a third person update.

Joolee .......

• is back in teacher mode and multitasking more than ever......helping Josie write a Thank You card while reading math problems to Addie, sweeping honey nut cheerios off the floor and plotting a get rich quick scheme to help pay for the gas to get to Michigan. All while tilting, tucking, and tightening her abdominals and retracing the steps she took upon returning home from her last trip in an attempt to find the nail scissors.
• is trying to be grateful for all the age appropriate gifts the girls got from Steve's boss at last night's work picnic, but thinking he might as well have given them numchucks and sharp knives the way they've been screaming and fighting over them all morning.
• is totally convinced that picking up a week's worth of garbage strewn over the entire backyard in the pouring rain is a BOY job! And she is totally gonna kill those coons or that bear dead with her bare hands! Well, maybe just the bear. She might have to hire a professional for those super dooper uber freaky coons. 
• is hoping to find a CHEAP hotel online somewhere near Escanaba so she's not tempted to stick granola bars in her ears or jump out of a moving vehicle on what would be a 12 hour car ride.
• is so tired of the whining. So. incredibly. tired.
• is wondering how many people actually saw her old and crusty bra at last night's work picnic when Gwen attempted to climb up her legs and flip over in an incredible feat of Olympic proportion but ended up getting her foot wrapped in the hem of Julie's shirt, stretching it into a maxi dress with a DEEP plunging neckline.
• is going to have to cancel the beltless baseboard cleaning party for lack of interest. And paranoid that she may have seriously offended someone with her questionable sense of humor.
• is thinking she might have a good excuse for making peanut butter and jelly for supper. Really, she would totally have to throw away the leftovers before leaving tomorrow......and there are starving children in Africa. 
• is freaking out that she beat her mom in like 5 straight games of Pathwords (on facebook). She would also now like you to address her as THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!