The thing about afternoon birthday parties

Alternate Title: If you give your kid the invitation

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they are usually smack dab in the middle of the younger kids' nap times.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they usually only last two hours......hardly enough time to drive home, throw the kids into their beds, play 22 games of facebook's Pathwords, load the dishwasher, wake the kids up, force them to go to the bathroom, get them each a piece of cheese to try to stop their "I didn't get enough sleep" sobbing, look under all the the couches, beds and numerous layers of their princess fort for that elusive mudboot, button up their raincoats, buckle them back in the car and go retrieve Addie from the party.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that you already know from past experience that there is not enough time to accomplish the previously listed tasks without shrieking at the top of your lungs in a Princess Bride-ish "Pit of Despair" torture kind of way. And so, you will probably decide to "waste" two hours in the community instead of tormenting your entire family with the dreaded "not-enough-nap". 

First, you will probably stop by the library. After dragging three kids thru the busy parking lot in the pouring rain, you will probably remember that the library is now only open 3.25 hours of the week due to city budget cuts. So, mumbling something to yourself about the acceptability of just a "wee bit" of city debt (for the sake of the children......our future......America's tomorrow), you will probably load the kids back in the car and drive them across the parking lot to that really fancy grocery store where the words "Fine Foods" loom above the new state-of-the art doors, judging your sweatshirt and unstyled hair. The smell of the in-house Caribou Coffee will probably make your mouth water as your sleepy kid who won't fit in the car cart with the other two will probably totally freak out about having to ride up front with the chicken. After probably running into your good nurse friend, whose husband is a doctor, because really, only doctors can afford to shop here, you will probably shell out 20 bucks for three strawberry frosted donuts and a couple of overpriced items for tonight's dinner. 

At this point, you will probably realize you still have 1 hour and 14 minutes left to kill. So......you will probably drive a few miles down the road to that new scrapbooking store where you have a coupon good for four FREE pieces of paper. Four!!! After sitting in the parking lot for 58 seconds while your kiddos suck the frosting off their donuts before handing  you their unwanted "bread," you will probably suddenly realize that a scrapbooking store is no place for two tired girls who have a tendency to rip everything resembling paper into teeny tiny unidentifiable specks when left unsupervised. So instead you might drive around, following garage sale signs that will most likely prove to be from last weekend. You will probably tire of driving around aimlessly the second your kids start ripping off each other's faces, and believe me, they probably have pretty easy access to each other's faces because, hey, did I mention your husband probably took all the car seats out of the car and left them out in the rain!? And so, in a last ditch effort to restore peace and order to your illegally moving vehicle, you will probably resort to......Christmas music! Luckily, you probably bought a brand new still-in-the-wrapper Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas CD for 50 cents at a garage sale last weekend. Unfortunately, the kids are probably screaming and crying much too loud to appreciate the magic of the yuletide bells jingling over the Bose speakers, so you will probably pull into the first almost empty parking lot you can find. After letting your girls unbuckle from their adult seat belts, you will probably find yourself warning the kids continuously not to step on that chicken by their feet as they flip and fly over the back seats. To top things off, your youngest daughter might decide to totally strip down to her skivvies, cuz her clothes are "ouchy." 

You now probably only have 30 minutes till pick-up time, so you might peruse your Happenings coupon book dreaming of ways to spend your upcoming anniversary, if only you could afford a babysitter. Eventually, your kids will probably tire of all the acrobatics and beg you to let them drive, because hey, they totally know how. And so, you will probably let your girlies take turns sitting on your lap, steering the car in tight circles, occasionally letting them believe that they are really and truly going to crash into that fence. Five minutes before pick-up time, a daughter just might start grabbing herself, rocking back and forth and crying about how badly she has to go, but you are probably a tough mom and tell her to hold it until you get home. And so, you will probably survive an afternoon birthday party. 

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that Addie better be having a pretty freakin good time!!!!!

The thing about shining for deer

The thing about shining for deer is that your husband probably won't convince you until 11:30 at night that you will absolutely drop dead from insane jealousy if you don't go "shining" with him.

The thing about shining for deer is that what seems to have the potential to be the only the cheapest and most romantic date of the year will most likely trigger the onset of your husband's marriage crippling case of Spotlight Micromanagement.

The thing about shining for deer is that if you've seen more than one M. Night Shyamalan movie, you may find yourself pleading and promising things to your amused husband, if only he will drive away from that corn field....wind rustling.....56 pair of deer eyes glowing....nature becoming angry at your presence....

The thing about this Thursday

The thing about this Thursday is that it's the day before we leave on vacation.
The thing about this Thursday is that I'm too scatterbrained to focus on just one thing.
The thing about this Thursday is that I'm going to revert to my old familiar facebook ways and provide you with a third person update.

Joolee .......

• is back in teacher mode and multitasking more than ever......helping Josie write a Thank You card while reading math problems to Addie, sweeping honey nut cheerios off the floor and plotting a get rich quick scheme to help pay for the gas to get to Michigan. All while tilting, tucking, and tightening her abdominals and retracing the steps she took upon returning home from her last trip in an attempt to find the nail scissors.
• is trying to be grateful for all the age appropriate gifts the girls got from Steve's boss at last night's work picnic, but thinking he might as well have given them numchucks and sharp knives the way they've been screaming and fighting over them all morning.
• is totally convinced that picking up a week's worth of garbage strewn over the entire backyard in the pouring rain is a BOY job! And she is totally gonna kill those coons or that bear dead with her bare hands! Well, maybe just the bear. She might have to hire a professional for those super dooper uber freaky coons. 
• is hoping to find a CHEAP hotel online somewhere near Escanaba so she's not tempted to stick granola bars in her ears or jump out of a moving vehicle on what would be a 12 hour car ride.
• is so tired of the whining. So. incredibly. tired.
• is wondering how many people actually saw her old and crusty bra at last night's work picnic when Gwen attempted to climb up her legs and flip over in an incredible feat of Olympic proportion but ended up getting her foot wrapped in the hem of Julie's shirt, stretching it into a maxi dress with a DEEP plunging neckline.
• is going to have to cancel the beltless baseboard cleaning party for lack of interest. And paranoid that she may have seriously offended someone with her questionable sense of humor.
• is thinking she might have a good excuse for making peanut butter and jelly for supper. Really, she would totally have to throw away the leftovers before leaving tomorrow......and there are starving children in Africa. 
• is freaking out that she beat her mom in like 5 straight games of Pathwords (on facebook). She would also now like you to address her as THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!!