Sunday, September 28, 2008

Warning: Artistic Nudity

Heather of the EO (man, I need to stop with this name dropping) just posted something about 2 little people and some poo in the bathtub for a Soap Opera Sunday post under the theme Three's a Crowd. Reading something about smallish kids in the bathtub along with the theme Three's a Crowd made me really want to post this picture. That and I'm curious to see if my title will get me any more hits.

This was taken in the shower/bath when I was quite pregnant with my third (obviously), and if I had been a blogger back then I'm quite sure I would have been tempted to use it as my heading photo along with a clever blog title.......maybe something like......

WAIT! That's for you, my loyal readers to help me decide. Anything to get a few comments you know. And you lurkers had better de-lurk. Mom and Dad, I know you won't have anything to do with the grand prize I'm offering.....20 mint condition Garbage Pail Kids cards, so if you win, your prize will be an easy Pathwords win against me. Tempting isn't it?

Oh, and the bath water is green, not from oopstheyatetoomanyapplejacks poo, but from some magical Crayola bath tint. Just wanted to clear that up. 

Oooo, and just one last thing........Have a seriously crossed a line? Seriously, is this totally inappropriate? Seriously, stop me now! Seriously!?

If not, good luck to all 7 of you! And the caption writing begins.......NOW!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I so wouldn't have been tagged in real life!

Cuz I'm kinda quick like that. And what I might lack in speed I more than make up for with my dodging and weaving and talking in circles skills. 

Phew! Just when I was about to give up blogging entirely due to technical difficulties and lack of inspiration, fabulous and famous Heather of the EO tagged me with a fun post idea. Now if only I could figure out how to post the rules........

 So here are 7 interesting/quirky facts about ME.
  1. I bite my nails. But I don't really have any nails to bite. Last night I was so nervous watching the presidential debate that I exposed some actual nail bed. 
  2. I am awesome and super speedy when it comes to taking multiple choice tests. I think I have a special gift where the right answer just jumps off the page at me. Add this to my uber-competitive streak and I am sure to have broken time and score records for gross anatomy finals and OT boards exams. This may sound braggish, but keep in mind, I am not claiming to be smart, merely a good test taker.
  3. Speaking of multiple choice, I need to have multiple choices when it comes to my personal hygiene. Friends often make fun of the 23 bottles of body wash, shampoo, and conditioner I keep in my shower, but hey, some days I want a deep tingly scalp cleaning, some days I want folks to see their reflections in my ever so shiny locks, and other days I just really want to smell like a large brown tropical fruit. 
  4. I'm pretty sure I have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder. You know when the skinny girl looks in the mirror and only sees fat? I have the blissfully ignorant condition where the fat girl looks in the mirror and sees nothing but the pinnacle of beauty and fitness. Ok. Maybe I don't have a whole full blown case of reverse body dysmorphic disorder. But my body image is entirely too high considering the 50 pounds I've gained since getting married....... Just don't show me a picture of myself or I'll immediately plummet into the depths of despair and closet peanut butter consumption.
  5. I am absolutely anal when it comes to loading the dishwasher and folding clothes. Basically, no matter how helpful a person has tried to be, I HAVE to do it over. MY way! And yet, my home as a whole looks like the aftermath of hurricane Ike 73% of the time.
  6. I floss about 4 times a day. I also regularly dream that all my teeth are loose and on the verge of falling out. Oh, and I don't trust dentists. And in some sick way, I'm looking forward to the perfect smile that, in my case, only a pair of dentures can provide.
  7. I don't know if I'm lazy or just lacking fine motor skills, but this is what my nails look like after I paint them. Then I simply take a bath to scrub off the excess. Oh, and those growths on the medial sides of my feet........calluses. At least as far as I know, just calluses.

And now, Tag! You're it Rachel on the Range. And Tag! You're it Billi with your Babbling. And Tag! You're it Pudgy the Skinny. And Tag! You're it Pudgy's sister Kristi. And Tag! You're it you mini van coveting cuz. I'm totally not following the rules and tagging 7 people because hey, I don't do rules. 

Monday, September 22, 2008

Joolee and the slow motion pseudo-tsunami

Alternate title: Joolee and the terrible horrible no good very bad week

It's been a rough one folks. The kids all got what I thought were colds last week. Turns out it's a lovely virus the medical community has termed hand, foot, mouth disease. Nothing glamorous about that diagnosis. I mean, really, if my family is gonna come down with some disgusting and highly contagious disease that leaves blisters on their tongues and itchy rashes on their hands and feet, then at least give us a semi-informative and impressive diagnosis to throw around. I'm thinking something like....ahem, acute petulance and malaise secondary to oral vesications and eczema of the appendages. Now that's a disease a family can be proud of!

Though there may not be a spot on the sofa, there are definitely spots on the Sopha's tongues:( Josie's face says it all!

So anyway, much of last week was spent trying NOT to console several seemingly bratty and whiney girlies, so as not to reinforce such behavior. It wasn't until Saturday morning when I woke up with a tongue so sore it hurt to talk or eat or be alive that I remembered our exposure to that horrid virus and began to have a smidgen of sympathy for my poor suffering daughters. Sorry girlies. Tough Love seems to be my middle name, but I can't say that I didn't come by it honestly. (MOM;)

To be fair, Saturday we did spend the lovely fall afternoon biking and hiking at our favorite spot....the cemetery. Because really, what better place to take your highly contagious family than a beautiful park filled with already-dead people? I'm telling you, that cemetery is really my favorite place ever!! Sounds crazy, I know, but there are smooth paved roads with only small inclines and declines (hard to find in our hilly neck of the woods), beautiful trees that change brilliant colors in the fall, ponds, and ducks, and geese. And hardly anyone else is ever there. As long as you don't count all the dead bodies. You should know, by the way, that out of respect for the dead I have put a stop to the girls climbing all over the tombstones. So, yes......I admit, we did have an enjoyable afternoon Saturday and returned home to a soft meal of yogurt and hard boiled eggs, so as not to aggravate our irritated mouths.

Get that baby a diaper!

What a surprise! Ella is crying again!

Not sure if it was the unconventional dinner I ingested Saturday evening or my sore biker's bum, but that entire night I spent dragging my girlies to higher ground, trying to escape a looming and ever so slow motion tsunami. 

It was one of those dreams that I'm sure lasted at least 6 hours because I woke up absolutely exhausted. I've found that pseudo-running and pseudo-dragging 4 kids can really do that to a girl. And all the pseudo-running and pseudo-stress that comes with dealing with an imminent pseudo-tsunami must have reeked havoc on my already weakened immune system, because I now have a horrible head know, the nose that drips continuously out of one nostril while the other is totally plugged up, watering eyes, headache, and all the needy kids simultaneously yelling "mommy!" that historically have surfaced on such sick days. Uuugh! And so, here I am, whining on my blog about my terrible horrible no good very bad week, trying unsuccessfully to deal with the multiple arguments that have risen as a result of a backyard bicycle obstacle course, and trying desperately to avoid sweeping all of last night's popcorn crumbs off the couch and floor.

And now, there is only one thing left to do........Sing my favorite stuffed up nose song at the very top of my lungs.....and purposefully just a tidge out of tune.

Here cubs Saddy Clause,
Here cubs Saddy Clause,
Right dowd Saddy Clause Lade,
He doesd't care if you're rich or poor
cuz he loves you just the sabe.
We all know that we're God's childred
that bakes everythig bright.
So hag your stockids add say your prayers 
cuz Saddy Clause cubs todight!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The end is near!

So I just came across this show....Whatever, Martha! And I can't believe what I am seeing. Alexis......Martha's daughter, and some familiar looking redhead are watching clips of Martha Stewart Living and totally ripping on her! Alexis! Martha's daughter! She is publicly making horrible no good fun of her mother! And she just used the F-word! (they bleeped it out) And Martha's flesh and blood is talking about men blow drying their stuff.....down there! What is happening in this world!!!???? I mean, c'mon...I am a huge Mystery Science Theater 2 or 3000 fan. And I am absolutely in love with Martha, but this folks, is NOT sitting well with me.

You will NOT believe this!! The show just ended and these words just flashed across the screen....

Created and Produced by Martha Stewart


Friday, September 12, 2008

Fasting and Praying.....

.....praying and fasting. Well, at least the praying part. And maybe the fasting part if abstaining from cooked carrots and bill paying counts. Yes, folks, top priority on today's agenda is praying for the future husbands of my drama queens spirited daughters. Please people, for the love of God and all that is holy, join me in my plea for four boys who will grow up to be strong, patient, forgiving, and even hearing impaired (for their sake) men. And pray that maybe one of those guys loves to fish (you know, for Steve). And maybe pray that one of those guys will have a sister who will work at a Cath Kidston store somewhere....and that she will let me use her hefty employee discount. And pray that maybe one of those guys won't mind that his future wife never remembers to wipe. Pray. Pray!  Pray without ceasing. 

And maybe, while you're already down on your knees or laying prostrate (cuz those are really your only two options for this kind of prayer), could you maybe pray for the spirited girls' mother?

P.S. Ooooh, I have to add, as much as I like me some sugar, please folks, no Razzle Dazzle!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The thing about afternoon birthday parties

Alternate Title: If you give your kid the invitation

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they are usually smack dab in the middle of the younger kids' nap times.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that they usually only last two hours......hardly enough time to drive home, throw the kids into their beds, play 22 games of facebook's Pathwords, load the dishwasher, wake the kids up, force them to go to the bathroom, get them each a piece of cheese to try to stop their "I didn't get enough sleep" sobbing, look under all the the couches, beds and numerous layers of their princess fort for that elusive mudboot, button up their raincoats, buckle them back in the car and go retrieve Addie from the party.

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that you already know from past experience that there is not enough time to accomplish the previously listed tasks without shrieking at the top of your lungs in a Princess Bride-ish "Pit of Despair" torture kind of way. And so, you will probably decide to "waste" two hours in the community instead of tormenting your entire family with the dreaded "not-enough-nap". 

First, you will probably stop by the library. After dragging three kids thru the busy parking lot in the pouring rain, you will probably remember that the library is now only open 3.25 hours of the week due to city budget cuts. So, mumbling something to yourself about the acceptability of just a "wee bit" of city debt (for the sake of the children......our future......America's tomorrow), you will probably load the kids back in the car and drive them across the parking lot to that really fancy grocery store where the words "Fine Foods" loom above the new state-of-the art doors, judging your sweatshirt and unstyled hair. The smell of the in-house Caribou Coffee will probably make your mouth water as your sleepy kid who won't fit in the car cart with the other two will probably totally freak out about having to ride up front with the chicken. After probably running into your good nurse friend, whose husband is a doctor, because really, only doctors can afford to shop here, you will probably shell out 20 bucks for three strawberry frosted donuts and a couple of overpriced items for tonight's dinner. 

At this point, you will probably realize you still have 1 hour and 14 minutes left to kill. will probably drive a few miles down the road to that new scrapbooking store where you have a coupon good for four FREE pieces of paper. Four!!! After sitting in the parking lot for 58 seconds while your kiddos suck the frosting off their donuts before handing  you their unwanted "bread," you will probably suddenly realize that a scrapbooking store is no place for two tired girls who have a tendency to rip everything resembling paper into teeny tiny unidentifiable specks when left unsupervised. So instead you might drive around, following garage sale signs that will most likely prove to be from last weekend. You will probably tire of driving around aimlessly the second your kids start ripping off each other's faces, and believe me, they probably have pretty easy access to each other's faces because, hey, did I mention your husband probably took all the car seats out of the car and left them out in the rain!? And so, in a last ditch effort to restore peace and order to your illegally moving vehicle, you will probably resort to......Christmas music! Luckily, you probably bought a brand new still-in-the-wrapper Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas CD for 50 cents at a garage sale last weekend. Unfortunately, the kids are probably screaming and crying much too loud to appreciate the magic of the yuletide bells jingling over the Bose speakers, so you will probably pull into the first almost empty parking lot you can find. After letting your girls unbuckle from their adult seat belts, you will probably find yourself warning the kids continuously not to step on that chicken by their feet as they flip and fly over the back seats. To top things off, your youngest daughter might decide to totally strip down to her skivvies, cuz her clothes are "ouchy." 

You now probably only have 30 minutes till pick-up time, so you might peruse your Happenings coupon book dreaming of ways to spend your upcoming anniversary, if only you could afford a babysitter. Eventually, your kids will probably tire of all the acrobatics and beg you to let them drive, because hey, they totally know how. And so, you will probably let your girlies take turns sitting on your lap, steering the car in tight circles, occasionally letting them believe that they are really and truly going to crash into that fence. Five minutes before pick-up time, a daughter just might start grabbing herself, rocking back and forth and crying about how badly she has to go, but you are probably a tough mom and tell her to hold it until you get home. And so, you will probably survive an afternoon birthday party. 

The thing about afternoon birthday parties is that Addie better be having a pretty freakin good time!!!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The one where Julie actually follows the rules

So the hilarious Sue over at Navel Gazing at it's Finest is teaming up with some other Mormon mommy bloggers in a fundraising effort to help NieNie and her husband who were severely burned in a plane crash several weeks ago. You can read about their heartbreaking story here. They (Sue and Co.) are going to donate all profits from a book they are planning to publish, a compilation of funny stories by funny bloggers called Sometimes Life is Funny. I can't be sure, but I have a funny feeling it might be kinda funny. Anyway, they are accepting submissions for the book until the 30th of this month. If interested, you can read about the rules here. Let me warn you, these Mormon women will have you applying your waterproof mascara and sitting squishy in your protective undergarments! I, for one, plan to buy the book......and not just because it's for a good cause. Mormon-style humor has seriously tempted me to convert.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Wednesday Without's that for original?

The more you know

The purpose of this post is twofold. First, I would like to inform my loyal readers of the dangers of using a stovetop for purposes other than those indicated in the user's manual. My cousin just posted about a close call she had this morning. Scary stuff.
Secondly, I would like to reveal the current, albeit temporary, residents of MY stovetop. For you, my loyal readers. To ensure that you start your day on a cloud of comparative housekeeping success. Unless, of course, your stovetop looks similar to mine. In which case I triple dog dare you to post a picture of it. So I can stop feeling like an overwhelmed pathetic excuse for a stay-at-home mom.                                     

  1. My 25 cent vintage green colander filled with tomatoes that were picked before we left on vacation. Eeew.
  2. A cheese grater that I couldn't fit back in the utensil drawer.
  3. A box of Mackinac City fudge that I paid WAY too much money for. 
  4. A baggy containing last night's leftover blueberry muffins.
  5. A stack of plastic cups left over from Steve's fantasy football draft.
  6. NINE bottles of marinade! This, folks, is what happens when I ask Steve to pick up a few ears of corn at the store on his way home from work. He thought these were too cheap to pass up. I thought I might just hang onto the receipt (also pictured here) in case I had enough spare time in my already packed days to return 9 extremely overpriced bottles of flavor infused oil. 
  7. A package of heavy duty flashlights Steve won at a golf tournament. Three cheers for nighttime illumination!
  8. A virtual pet game someone gave me at a garage sale cuz she didn't know if it would still work. This, people, is currently motivating Addie to clean half the house and complete her schoolwork with an unbelievably positive attitude (her idea.) Sure hope the battery works:{
  9. Two....get that, TWO hair brushes! Within two feet on the pasta spoon!

Sunday, September 7, 2008


I am home sweet home, cuddled up in a fleece, youngest girlies playing happily by my feet with their plastic ponies and Little People.....Norah Jones, coffee and the scent of pumpkin candles wafting thru my messy yet ever so perfect HOME. Sigh. There is no place I'd rather be. Except, of course, at church, where an incredibly fascinating 3 hour meeting is about to begin. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be there, but alas, the kids mustn't miss their naps.

We finally pulled into the driveway last night around 6, concluding our vacation at a grand total of 8 days and 2 hours. All said, the vacation was a success. Now, let me clarify what I mean by "success."

  • I won $60 dollars at the hotino (hotel/casino) where we stayed the first night, using only the free "teaser" money they gave us. And I walked away with it in my pocket! That, in itself, is a success of epic proportion. Perhaps now Steve will feel compelled to find me a nickname other than Shooter.
  • We were able to visit Steve's grandpa in his new assisted living home in Troy, MI. As I mentioned in my update, the girls kicked some serious elderly booty in a heated balloon volleyball game. I was also quite proud of Addie who was exceptionally friendly with the residents and didn't miss a beat when one of the women from the Alzheimers unit asked her if "all those girls" were her sisters. For the 43rd time.

 As a side note, if you ever see Steve wearing this bright blue shirt shown in the above background, please do NOT compliment him! He is convinced this is a magic shirt that makes him absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex. Please don't fuel this insanity.

  • While we were in the bustling city of Troy, we took advantage of all the photo opportunities and wrote a little tribute to our friend, Troy. Yes, people, we are total losers and can think of nothing better to do on our vacation than drive around taking pictures like this.
  • I ate half of Nana's Texas sheet cake and managed to keep the week's weight gain below 12 pounds.

  • I was able to store up some extra energy and patience for the weeks ahead by napping twice daily.
  • Steve was preoccupied with various fantasy football drafts 4 of the 8 evenings we were gone, enabling me to start 4 different parodies for thethree22nd's contest. This time for self-discovery gave me invaluable insight into my total lack of parody writing prowess.
  • The girls only got out of bed an average of 13 times per night during our stay at Nana's house. A mere increase of 94% compared to the at home average.
  • We managed to pay for the trip's gas without losing our house. We only needed to take out a small home equity loan and promise Sunoco 84% of all future royalties generated by my yet to be finished parody of Gnarls Barkley's song "Crazy."......"They're driving me crazy".......(a song about a very long car ride)
  • We found a cute lil restaurant in Mackinaw City that had a delish salad bar where the kids only had to pay 50 cents per year of their age. We I had a good laugh as Steve was convinced the kids could eat there for free the rest of the year after paying only 50 cents:) Tee hee!
  • Nana sent us home with a jar of the world's best homemade strawberry jam. And when Steve tossed the food bag around like shake-n-bake it broke open and oozed all over the bottom of the food bag, I was able to remain blissfully unaware.....until after I had retrieved several boxes of crackers and cereal from the bag, set them on my seat, distributed the snacks to the girls in exactly fair numbers, stashed them near a pillow, and sat down. In a pile of the world's best strawberry jam. I consider this a success because luckily, I was able to reach the dirty smelly smoke-scented pants I had worn at the hotino the night before, saving me the embarrassment of exposing my slimy derriere to 74% of all attendants of gas stations containing a public toilet between Escanaba and Duluth. LOTS of potty breaks, people. LOTS of potty breaks.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The thing about shining for deer

The thing about shining for deer is that your husband probably won't convince you until 11:30 at night that you will absolutely drop dead from insane jealousy if you don't go "shining" with him.

The thing about shining for deer is that what seems to have the potential to be the only the cheapest and most romantic date of the year will most likely trigger the onset of your husband's marriage crippling case of Spotlight Micromanagement.

The thing about shining for deer is that if you've seen more than one M. Night Shyamalan movie, you may find yourself pleading and promising things to your amused husband, if only he will drive away from that corn field....wind rustling.....56 pair of deer eyes glowing....nature becoming angry at your presence....