Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Give me a minute

......to get myself together.

OK. Let me preface this post by saying that life is good. My husband has a great job that he really enjoys. I have the luxury of staying home with 4 beautiful healthy daughters. Though truth be known, today the word torture seems a more appropriate one than luxury. We are living in a big beautiful home in the country. Though far away, we have absolutely amazing family and friends. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am grateful, truly.

So why was I overwhelmed with sadness last night? The sadness just poured over me suddenly and all I could do was cry. And when Steve tried to comfort me, that cry turned into a bawl. Was it a cry of loneliness? I am far from family and friends, I am still adjusting to Steve being back at work and with longer hours, we don't have internet access at home yet with which I might feel at least artificially connected to the outside world, and I have no neighbors within sight. I DO, however, have 4 girls to constantly keep me company.......though the bickering and arguing between a couple are driving me absolutely insane. And let me tell you that when I yell (which I know I shouldn't) in this big bare floored house, it definitely isn't pretty. I digress.

I had high hopes of making some great friends right off the bat.....not "once in a lifetime" friends like we have back home, but good friends nonetheless. Granted, we've barely been here over a week, but I'm beginning to realize that making friends again will take time. Maybe lots of time. Folks are already established here.....with family, sports, jobs, other friends and obligations like dairy farming crowding their days. So....is that really it? Loneliness?

Or was I missing our cozy wood stove and our house at the top of the hill with the gorgeous sunsets that illuminated our cheery yellow walls as neighbors walked their dogs on the sidewalk below? Was I missing the convenience of a washer and dryer in my own basement that never left me having to send the kids outside to play in stinky wet snow pants? Was I plummeting into the depths of despair because of the daily visual torture of seeing my already unsightly wobbly bits even more distorted in the reflective bathtub fixtures? Or was I missing our big deep kitchen sink that never made mealtime clean-up frustrating or messy? Was it our home church, the great worship, the lighthearted atmosphere and familiar faces I was missing that sent the tears gushing? Was I shallowly sad about Addie's recently botched haircut from the local cosmetology school?

Could my sadness simply be physiological in nature? 10 days without sun? Not enough exercise? Too many 7 layer bars? Too much Mason Jennings? Catan withdrawal? Something in the well water? Am I just PMS-ing "real bad?"

This morning I found an old book I had unpacked a few days ago.....Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. I've owned it for years and though some of the terminology can seem a bit new-agey, I have always loved the ideas and inspiration it gives me. I opened it to January 27th, because I thought that was today's date, and it encouraged me to write out my concerns in a sort of conversation with myself or "rapid stream of consciousness." And so I have. Hopefully now I'll be able to "let go and get on with my day."

"I will write myself into well-being." -Nancy Mair


Rachel said...

Glad that some things are going well on the farm. I'll be praying you guys find a good church soon or meet some kindred spirits at the library or laundromat. I wish I could give you a big hug (it's been a long time, regardless of your move). Reading this post made tears come to my eyes (real ones too - not the fake kind we used to elicit from looking at each other's qivering chins.)

I've obviously learned that God's working on us through our life's circumstances and though it's not always fun, in fact it's usually not fun, it's easier when we submit to the process. Not trying to preach at you, but encourage. Believe me, I've had my times of intense emotions over the past 15+ months and it's best to let the emotions out in whatever form works best. Writing it out has always worked well for both of us.

Hopefully the sun will come out soon! Love you and miss you! If you ever make a trip back up to Duluth, please stop by regardless of warning. I would LOVE to see you!

Sabrina said...

Well your post was just lovely. Maybe not the word you were looking for... but it was lovely in honesty. I bet you are lonely and homesick! They say moving is a huge stressor. And I can only imagine how hard it must to be let go of so many things you left behind. I will pray that the Lord sends some lovely shabby chic friends your way! A great church and plenty of sunshine!!!
Thinking of you!
P.S. It's alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you. It's alright to cry, it might make you feel better.

Rachel said...

I like how you prefaced your post with all you are thankful for. I can't imagine how difficult a move with 4 children would be in the middle of winter and I think you are doing amazingly well given the circumstances. It will keep getting better...one day at a time. Although I don't really know you I kind of feel like I do because of our mutual friends. I will be praying for you! Hang in there! I think summers will be wonderful for you guys and can't wait to hear how much you're all enjoying the country!

Billi Jo said...

I can't think of anything witty to say, nor do I have a remedy to cure your loneliness, but know this, I think you're the greatest. Always have and always will.

Betsy said...

Hi Julie, thanks for the comment on my blog. You're more than welcome to use the gratitude list idea - I can't claim any ownership since I stole the idea myself! :)

I miss all the photos you used to post of your charming old home (love your chic country style!), but I'm anxious to see photos of your new haven in the woods!

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Nikki said...

Hey there Julie,
It's been awhile, as usual. I hope in the last month things have started looking up for you. I just came across a box of old cards and letters night and there were quite a few from my old friend Twiggy. They made me miss you lots and all the fun times had by all. Thanks for being a great friend.

AlessandraLace said...

wonderful house, wonderful place to live. hugs from Italy