......to get myself together.
OK. Let me preface this post by saying that life is good. My husband has a great job that he really enjoys. I have the luxury of staying home with 4 beautiful healthy daughters. Though truth be known, today the word torture seems a more appropriate one than luxury. We are living in a big beautiful home in the country. Though far away, we have absolutely amazing family and friends. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am grateful, truly.
So why was I overwhelmed with sadness last night? The sadness just poured over me suddenly and all I could do was cry. And when Steve tried to comfort me, that cry turned into a bawl. Was it a cry of loneliness? I am far from family and friends, I am still adjusting to Steve being back at work and with longer hours, we don't have internet access at home yet with which I might feel at least artificially connected to the outside world, and I have no neighbors within sight. I DO, however, have 4 girls to constantly keep me company.......though the bickering and arguing between a couple are driving me absolutely insane. And let me tell you that when I yell (which I know I shouldn't) in this big bare floored house, it definitely isn't pretty. I digress.
I had high hopes of making some great friends right off the bat.....not "once in a lifetime" friends like we have back home, but good friends nonetheless. Granted, we've barely been here over a week, but I'm beginning to realize that making friends again will take time. Maybe lots of time. Folks are already established here.....with family, sports, jobs, other friends and obligations like dairy farming crowding their days. So....is that really it? Loneliness?
Or was I missing our cozy wood stove and our house at the top of the hill with the gorgeous sunsets that illuminated our cheery yellow walls as neighbors walked their dogs on the sidewalk below? Was I missing the convenience of a washer and dryer in my own basement that never left me having to send the kids outside to play in stinky wet snow pants? Was I plummeting into the depths of despair because of the daily visual torture of seeing my already unsightly wobbly bits even more distorted in the reflective bathtub fixtures? Or was I missing our big deep kitchen sink that never made mealtime clean-up frustrating or messy? Was it our home church, the great worship, the lighthearted atmosphere and familiar faces I was missing that sent the tears gushing? Was I shallowly sad about Addie's recently botched haircut from the local cosmetology school?
Could my sadness simply be physiological in nature? 10 days without sun? Not enough exercise? Too many 7 layer bars? Too much Mason Jennings? Catan withdrawal? Something in the well water? Am I just PMS-ing "real bad?"
This morning I found an old book I had unpacked a few days ago.....Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. I've owned it for years and though some of the terminology can seem a bit new-agey, I have always loved the ideas and inspiration it gives me. I opened it to January 27th, because I thought that was today's date, and it encouraged me to write out my concerns in a sort of conversation with myself or "rapid stream of consciousness." And so I have. Hopefully now I'll be able to "let go and get on with my day."
"I will write myself into well-being." -Nancy Mair